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Although I was technically there, I couldn’t force myself to actually show up for that date.In the end, I hugged him goodbye and thanked him for dinner.However six months into our dating, it became apparent Struggle Bae wasn’t done struggling.And in fact, despite his proclamation that his address was temporary, his own mother snitched that he had been actually living there two years prior to the beginning of our relationship.And when he told me how his momma’s house was just a brief pit stop on his journey to financial solvency again, I believed that too.And I let his sense of humor and overall charm fill in the gap for what he lacked in security.And this is not to say that if you suddenly lose your wealth, I’m gone too. But rather, what I discovered from that broke relationship (and the others), that in spite of the narrative about women passing over good dudes because of their financial inadequacies, sometimes there is a clear and direct correlations between his financial insecurities and his ability to be a good partner.
I was sitting at the prettiest date restaurant, out with a guy I’d met several days before at a mixer.His smile turned sideways and his eyes bent into a squint, “What kind of security? After all, conventional, male centered wisdom is that women often times pass up great guys on the come up in blue collars, for half-way decent ballers and other bad boys, all because they got a little extra change. No this is not a golddigger’s anthem, but rather an acknowledgment that for some of us ladies with bills of our own, romance and finance goes together like steak and cheese. And nobody – and I mean, NOBODY – has time to front you and me at the same time.As he walked me back to my car, my date for the evening a fine brother from Mali, who looked lots like Felony Bae (yes, this is me humble bragging), asked me the dreaded question we ladies are prone to hear whenever he is kind of feeling you like that: “What exactly are you looking for in a man? Sorry fella but this mule is quite stubborn and those 68 cents per every white man’s dollar, do not stretch that far.” I hate that question with the passion of ten Christ-films. Besides there are tons of women out there willing to date men, whose pockets are less than ambitious.
But that night, I decided to give frankness a chance: “Honesty, but not to the point that one is cruel. Kindness, but not a sucker for love ass trick because that’s always been a red flag for passively controlling men, in my book. Hell, even yours truly has entertained, in my day, a scrub or two or maybe even three…Awl, who am I fooling? He was smart, funny, creative “artist” and lived at home with mom.